


to the fade you shall return

by riririn



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study?, Closure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 11:09:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16345577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riririn/pseuds/riririn
Summary: She paused.We both left a part of ourselves in that tower.Cullen and Solona talk about what was, and what it means to them now.





	to the fade you shall return

**Author's Note:**

> To anyone who's interested, I combed the Chant of Light for the title; it's from 5:7 of Canticle of Threnodies, which describes the creation of spirits and men and the verse in question goes like this:
> 
>  _Then the Maker said:_  
>  _"To you, My second-born, I grant this gift:_  
>  _In your heart shall burn_  
>  _An unquenchable flame_  
>  _All-consuming, and never satisfied._  
>  _From the Fade I crafted you,_  
>  _And to the Fade you shall return_  
>  _Each night in dreams_  
>  _That you may always remember me."_  
>   
>  Felt fitting enough.

_Warden-Commander, may I have a word?_

Cullen had caught her as she had been leaving the war room. Leliana had given him a look that said she knew exactly what he was doing, but he hadn’t cared then and didn’t care now. He needed to do this, if only for his own sake.

Still, he hadn’t expected her to only say _alright_ , as if him asking to speak with her was something that had happened a thousand times before. So surprised, in fact, that it had taken him a moment to gather his wits again. She had looked like she was holding back a laugh, amusement evident in the lines beside her eyes and Maker, Solona Amell was a woman now. No longer a girl of barely twenty, unburdened by the weight of the world and her duties to her order.

How she must have felt during the meeting, looking at Trevelyan, who, for all her responsibilities, was only twenty-three, and had led a life quite similar to Amell before the Conclave. Cullen wondered if it made her feel as old as it made him feel, sometimes.

But here they were now, in the garden. He had led her to the chess table. It was as good a place as any to, even if it now held memories more dear to him than anything.

As they were seated, he cleared his throat. He suddenly couldn’t meet her eyes. “Warden-Commander, I –“

“Please, Cullen.” He froze in his seat. “There are so few who knew me before I was a warden.” He swallowed and stole a glance at her. She wasn’t looking at, but rather staring at the direction of the Chantry.

“If it’s not too much to ask, I would have you use my name,” she said as she turned her eyes toward him. He swallowed again, not meeting her gaze.

“Very well. Solona, I wanted to apologise to you.”

She let out a soft laugh. “Whatever for? You’ve not wronged me.”

“I’m… I’m talking about Kinloch Hold. When you came back… I said… terrible things, I…”

“Cullen.” Her voice stopped his stammering, which was just as well. “Look at me. Please.” He did.

Solona looked much the same as she had ten years ago. Her hair was a little longer, perhaps, but still light, and her face was weathered, with lines around her eyes and her mouth, but the curve of her nose was the same, as was the colour of her eyes.

But the look in her eyes was of a woman far older than he knew her to be.

“What was your oath again?” he said suddenly. “In peace, caution?”

“In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death, sacrifice.” Her voice was unwavering. “Why do you ask?”

Cullen disregarded her question. He knew what he needed to say, now. “I regret the things I said to you, during the Blight. Now that I’m here, trying to clean up the mess I helped create, I find myself wishing I could have spared you the harsh words then. You were… something like friend, once. And I wish I could have spared you that,” he finished, feeling relieved. He had carried this particular regret inside him for a long time, even if he only realised it when he watched Trevelyan struggle under the pressure. Neither of them had asked for their positions in life, but they both carried their duties all the same.

Solona relaxed in her seat and smiled. “Cullen, I never blamed you for any of it. I’ve never carried grudges against you.” Her voice was laced with melancholy. “You were not the first, nor the last, to question my decisions. Your words were not the most cruel ones I heard, either. I’ll grant that because I knew you and you knew me, your words had a… greater chance of hurting. And they did, but I didn’t hold it against you then, and I don’t hold it against you now. It was what it was.” She paused. “We both left a part of ourselves in that tower.”

“We did, didn’t we?” And there it was. She was one of the few who had walked through Kinloch Hold when it had been overrun by demons. And because they knew both sides and what was in-between, they were probably the only two people in the world who could really tell the difference between before and after.

“Why did you ask about my oath?” she suddenly said, breaking the silence.

He smiled. “I had a thought that you look older. Must be all the vigilance.” She snorted. “Do you regret it? Becoming a warden?”

“No.” The answer was immediate. “If I were more sentimental I might, but I…” she paused and looked away again. “I chose to make the best of what I was given. After all, I’ve been given more than I ever hoped I could have. I’ve seen thing most people wouldn’t believe possible, I’ve seen the world and protected it. I’ve loved and been loved.”

“The king of Ferelden?” He’d heard the rumours. Everyone had.

“He was just a warden then. Like me,” she shrugged her shoulders lightly.

“And you don’t regret that, either?”

“No. It might not have lasted, and as you can probably guess, it didn’t exactly end well, but that doesn’t change the past. I loved him, he loved me, and it was real.”

“I’m glad, then.”

“So am I! Cullen, I’m glad you’re doing well.” She leaned forward and balanced her elbows on her knees. “I meant what I said. Cullen, I’ve never held Kinloch Hold against you. I mostly remember you as you were before I left. You were kind, and nicer than you should’ve been. I’m glad you’ve found that again, if you ever lost it. I wouldn’t have you torment yourself with things said in terrible times, in pain.”

“It’s not just the things I said, it’s also the things I did after. I have Kirkwall’s blood all over me.”

She leaned back again, looked at him. He wondered what she saw. A tired man in his thirties, more lines on his face than he ought to have, hands trembling, skin pale.

He wondered if she was looking for the boy he had been, like he looked for the girl she once was.

“After the Blight, I didn’t know my purpose.” She looked at the chess table. “I was the hero of Ferelden, and it cost me everything. Alistair was gone, all my friends were leaving, I couldn’t go back to the tower and all the Grey Wardens were in Orlais. I was free, for the first time in my life, and I had nothing and no one. I was so alone that I almost wished I hadn’t taken my way out.”

“What do you mean?” Cullen furrowed his brow in confusion. Solona just waved her hand dismissively.

“It doesn’t matter. The point is, I almost wished I had died when I killed the Archdemon because then I wouldn’t have had to deal with the aftermath. But I found a purpose again. My friends found me again.”

Cullen smiled. “The elf?”

She laughed. “Zevran, yes. He insists that I’m good for business. Says I go to places with many opportunities for a man in his line of work. I suspect half the reason he stays is to have someone watch his back when he drinks.”

“Well, either way, I’m glad. It’s not good to be alone.” And with that, Cullen stood up. “Now, I’ve taken enough of your time. I think Josephine had scheduled a tour of the mage’s tower for you before dinner. The Inquisitor herself promised to show you around, too.”

Solona stood up as well, and stretched her arms. “Lead the way. And about his Inquisitor of yours, I heard someone say that you and her…” she left the sentence hanging and raised her eyebrows.

“Please don’t start.”

**Author's Note:**

> So the Warden comes to Skyhold on some super important Warden business, which I'm too uninterested in to try and think of to justify this fic, yes?
> 
> They deserve to clear the air, yes, that's good, let's just go with that!
> 
> (What I'm trying to say is that I'm mostly interested in character interaction, and thus I'm too lazy to try and think of a proper frame for this.)


End file.
